WHAT HAPPENS WITH OUR PROPERTY? FINANCES? IN A DIVORCE OR SEPARATION?Mediation can help!

by Robyn D. Weisman, Esq. LLM.

We’ve all seen friends or family members endure long drawn out divorce battles with aggressive lawyers who seemed to escalate the conflict more than resolve it.

What you may not know is that there is a kinder, gentler way to divorce or separate. Divorce mediation involves the help of a neutral third party. This method requires the couple to work together to divide their assets and talk finances!
 
What you will need to bring to a mediation or at least review:

· Pay stubs, plus statements for savings, checking, and retirement accounts

· Mortgage balances, credit card statements, and childcare expenses.

· As my clients will attest my line is “everything you own and owe”

The more information you share with each other, the less emotional the process will feel. It can be hard to fully trust a spouse you’re divorcing, since you would not be ending the marriage if you were on the best terms. But if you trust your mediator and the process, that will go a long way toward keeping your emotions out of it.

What is equitable distribution?

New York is an equitable distribution state when dividing property during divorce. What does that mean? It means that all marital property will be distributed equitably, which is a fair division of all the assets and debts acquired during the marriage. So to figure this out, we have to decide whether specific possessions or assets qualify as separate or marital property. This will determine how property will be divided during a divorce.

Once the property has been designated as separate or marital then the fair distribution can occur. Various factors are taken into consideration when distributing assets including the incomes of the parties prior to and at the beginning of the divorce, duration of the marriage, need to occupy the marital home, loss of inheritance or pension rights, maintenance awards, future financial circumstances of each spouse, tax consequences, dissipation of assets, contributions as a non-wage earner to the income of the spouse and home, and the character of the property itself.

All of this can be discussed in mediation!

Tips when it comes to mortgages:

· You may want to find out if the mortgage you have is assumable

· One party may buy out the other; do you need a mortgage? Can you qualify for one in your name alone?

· When applying for a mortgage or refinance during a divorce or separation you will need either a fully executed separation agreement or divorce decree in place.

· In order to use income from child support and/or maintenance to qualify, it must be documented as received usually for 6 months and continuous

· If you can’t qualify on your own think about adding a non-occupant co-borrower

· All of this can be discussed in mediation!

What happens with Retirement Plans?

In planning for your divorce, a look at the retirement accounts will typically show that these funds represent a good portion of a couple’s assets and savings. These can be in the form of 401K plans, IRAs, Thrift Savings Annuities and retirement pension plans. Division of these funds can be crucial to balancing a couple’s assets. Some may want to evaluate to plan a buy-out of the parties other personal and real property. For this, an actuary or pension evaluator is a key asset in determining the value of one’s pension, since it is not defined. Your divorce mediator on Long Island or divorce attorney can help in locating a pension evaluator to have the plan evaluated. At Divorce Mediation & Family Services we work with an efficient and effective pension evaluator to assist us in this process.


The mutual goal: to finalize the divorce without spending a fortune on legal fees or becoming enemies. It will work! Find a mediator who you are comfortable with and who knows the law. And you will find the kindler, gentler way to separate or divorce.

Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., LLM., Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer, Director of Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd. 631-465-2140 serving all of New York

 

NEW YEAR,  NEW ME

By Robyn D. Weisman, Esq.,

Director, Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York

 

New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day have come and gone. It may have been exactly what we always thought or it may have been a time to reflect on a decision to make some changes. 2025 is a New Year and possibly a new beginning. Here are some thoughts to start the New Year when thinking about change:



1. Endings are also new beginnings

Don’t think of it as an ending but rather a fresh start. Beginning a new year reminds us that the end of one thing leads to the start of another. A relationship may be over but your life is not. Let this be a time when you recognize that you do still have a future ahead of you, despite the pain you’ve been through. And embrace the power of change….

2. So much change can happen in one year, and it can be good

A good thing to remember is how much things can change in such a short span of time.

If your relationship ended suddenly you might be wondering you may ask “How did my life change so badly in a year?” but the reverse can be equally true. Although it’s often difficult to see how we will ever be happy, this time next New Year’s Eve, you may be in a completely different place again, both emotionally and situationally. I have seen so many of my clients after one year out of an unhealthy relationship, look and feel so healthy and changed in so many respects for the better.

3. Let go of the old

Releasing old habits, emotions and destructive behaviors can be a goal for the New Year. This may be a great time to reflect on what’s not working in your life and make a decision to start the year differently. What may be holding you back? Is it grief, anger, disappointment or sadness around the end of your relationship? Reflecting on it will help you move on. Maybe you are still letting your partner or ex-partner have too much interest or control in your life. This may make it hard for you to move forward. What will you do to help you feel differently?

4. Celebrate your achievements

However recently or distantly your relationship ended, or you may wish to end, you will have something to celebrate. It’s important to be kind to yourself and acknowledge you’ve been through a tough time. If your biggest achievement is simply waking up each day, then embrace that. Whether you are taking baby steps or long strides, remember to celebrate that you are still moving forward!



5. Resolutions for the year; what are your goals?

New year is traditionally a time for setting resolutions. Giving yourself realistic goals which can be a wonderful way to increase levels of positivity and happiness after a difficult year. The key is to make the goals challenging enough that they will inspire you, but realistic enough that you don’t set yourself up to fail and feel worse than when you began.



But don’t forget to be kind to yourself; look to do things that make you feel yourself again. Possibly set goals that you would not have believed possible during your relationship. Think of anything you might have held back on for fear of upsetting or being criticized by your spouse or partner.



We can, of course, make the decision to change our lives on whatever day or time we choose. But when the new year is so perfectly apt for starting afresh, why not use the opportunity to make those changes right now?

Wishing you a very Happy New Year and a shining future life!



Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., LLM, Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer, Director of Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd. 1-631-465-2140  Call in New York, serving Long island and all five boroughs of New York City

www.Divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com

 

MEDIATION CAN MOVE A POTENTIAL CONTESTED DIVORCE INTO AN UNCONTESTED DIVORCE

By Robyn D. Weisman, Esq. October 30, 2024

What is Contested Divorce?

If the couple cannot agree on issues such as the division of property and debts, is there going to be spousal support, or child custody or parenting time, you have a contested divorce. A case gets filed in court wherein a divorce action will be started. The Court will schedule conferences and other appearances and discovery which are necessary to help you resolve the case. This all leads to settlement or trial. This is usually a lengthy and very costly process involving paying two attorneys, possible financial professionals, possible psychological professionals.

In short, there are more court filings and more court appearances in a contested divorce and typically attorneys are handling a lot of communication and negotiation between them. All of this drives up costs. A contested divorce usually takes at least several months if not years.

What is an Uncontested Divorce?

If the couple can potentially agree on issues such as the division of property and debts, is there going to be spousal support, or child custody or parenting time, you have an uncontested divorce. Once you have agreed on all these matters, a settlement agreement will be entered into and will be submitted and signed with the divorce paperwork if you are divorcing, or a Separation Agreement will be executed for a legal separation. This is usually a much shorter and less costly process.

Mediation Can Change a Potential Contested Divorce to an Uncontested Divorce

Although mediation is optimal and will save you time and money if started prior to an uncontested divorce, if you have a contested divorce started, you can still switch to mediation. Unless the judge orders you to do so, you and your spouse must agree to the mediation. The attorneys can just inform the Court that you will be using mediation services and you can either have your attorneys assist in the mediation or you can do it on your own with the mediator.

You can also ask your attorney to raise the possibility of mediation with your spouse’s attorney, if that is mainly the way you have been communicating with your spouse. While it is possible to switch to mediation at any time before trial, you stand to gain the most by doing so as early as possible.

If you are considering divorce, we can assist you with all the different aspects of that process through mediation.

Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer, Director of Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd. 1-800-WE MEDIATE serving Long Island and all of New York City, New York visit our website at www.divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com

 

 What is Co-Parenting?

Posted on August 5, 2024 by Robyn D. Weisman, Esq.

www.divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com

Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York 631-465-2140 with offices across NYC and Long Island


Way back when, when I first started practicing family law and handled divorce cases, the norm for parenting arrangements following a divorce looked very similar in each case. One parent, usually the mother, would have sole custody while the other parent would have “visitation” with the children on alternating weekends and most often one day a week. (I dislike that word “visitation” so much when it comes to your own children; no one should be “visiting” their children for parenting time) This has held true very often in family court when it is left to a judge to decide on the hundreds of cases on his or her own desk. It is much easier to apply a general pattern than to actually sit down and think about the family individually and come up with a plan that would work to the needs of that family.

With the failure to take into account the individual needs of the family, the above arrangement, very often, placed a huge burden for the custodial parent who would have to the day to day parenting responsibility, while at the same time the non-custodial parent became the fun parent whose time with the children was weekend play.

Thanks to mediators in the court setting and private mediators who work with the couple to determine the individual needs of the families, the old model is not necessarily the norm, and more and more often divorcing parents are coming up with co-parenting arrangements. We are now drafting parenting plans that are tailored to meet the unique needs of individual families, many with two working parents and heavily scheduled children. In the past several years we are seeing an increase in both parents playing more active roles in their children’s daily lives, which may include coaching and attending sports, school functions and conferences, and in a variety of children’s activities.

So how do you make a co-parenting agreement work?

Consistency and Predictability: Both parents should be expected to be there on time and when they say they are going to be there. The other parent and the children are relying on the fact that the parent will be there. However, also be flexible should an unforeseen circumstance arise or maybe a work conflict comes up.

Communication: It is so important that parents can and do communicate with each other. Communication is not only limited to when and where the children have to be, but also any school issues, emotional issues and concerns the children may have. Work with each other to handle and resolve the issues together.

Location: If you are planning to co-parent you should be geographically close to one another. Physical presence is key to a co-parenting arrangement.

Involvement: Both parents need to be present for meetings, appointments, and special events. If you can be there for doctor’s appointments, recitals, plays, games, conferences and any event which may be important to your child.

Encouragement: Each parent should encourage the relationship between the child and the other parent. Each parent should also encourage the presence of the other parent at the children’s events, conferences and appointments. Also make sure the presence of both parents is a non-stressful one for the children without arguments between the parents. Save them if you must for a time out of the children’s presence.

Share Responsibility: Now with co-parenting comes responsibility. Both parents become a part of the daily routines of their children, including homework, filling out forms and permission slips, scheduling and attending doctor appointments, keeping a calendar with activities, setting up play dates and preparing school lunches.

A healthy divorce includes a healthy family and your children will gain the greatest benefit from your efforts as co-parents.


Disclaimer: The information obtained at this site is not, nor is it intended to be, legal advice. You should consult an attorney for advice regarding your individual situation. We invite you to contact us and welcome your calls, letters and electronic mail. Contacting us does not create an attorney-client relationship. Please do not send any confidential information to us until such time as an attorney-client relationship has been established.

 

What Happens to our Retirement after a Divorce?

By Robyn D. Weisman, Esq. on March 19, 2024

Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York

In planning for your divorce, a look at the retirement accounts will typically show that these funds represent a good portion of a couple’s assets and savings. These can be in the form of 401K plans, IRAs, Thrift Savings Annuities and retirement pension plans. Division of these funds can be crucial to balancing a couple’s assets. Some may want to evaluate to plan a buy-out of the parties other personal and real property. For this, an actuary or pension evaluator is a key asset in determining the value of one’s pension, since it is not defined. Your divorce mediator on Long Island or divorce attorney can help in locating a pension evaluator to have the plan evaluated. At Divorce Mediation & Family Services we work with an efficient and effective pension evaluator to assist us in this process.

If a pension, 401K, Thrift Savings Annuity and the like (not an IRA), needs to be divided in some manner a Qualified Domestic Relations Order or QDRO is necessary to effectuate this. The QDRO is a document which instructs the plan administrator of the retirement plan on how to assign a portion of the funds to the spouse or “alternate payee”. The plan administrator approves the document before it is presented to the Court by the Long Island divorce attorney. With the QDRO, transfers can be made at the appropriate time without any penalties. In New York, and on Long Island especially, the Courts do not sign off on this until a divorce is being finalized. It is important that the divorce mediatior or divorce attorney is knowledgeable about the QDRO execution and procedures so that the divorce Agreement, Separation Agreement or Stipulation is drafted properly to include how the retirement plans will be distributed in a separation or divorce scenario. Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York has divorce mediators and attorneys experienced in retirement settleements and drafting the QDROs for the divorcing couple.

Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York

Your premiere New York City and Long Island Divorce Mediation firm

631-465-2140

Difficult Conversation of Divorce or Separation and How to Have Them

The Difficult Conversations of Divorce or Separation and How to Have Them

By Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., January 30, 2024

  
                                               



In making the decision to divorce or separate a person or couple together had the courage to face a harsh reality and take the leap towards what may be a healthier life for the family. Sometimes learning from our mistakes will make us stronger. We can become more aware of who we are and what we need to do to improve our lives. Sometimes we live in a situation of enduring daily stress and freeing ourselves can also open up a space for us to be better parents, children, friends, and co-workers.

It’s hard enough coming to terms with an ending marriage but the thought of telling our children, parents, friends, and even people at work, can be so difficult and even scary.

When is the best time to do it? How do we approach it? Who should be present?

* Telling our children.

Inevitably we feel guilty about disrupting our children’s stable lives and dread how their lives will be changed by divorce or separation.

We ask ourselves whether it’s best to wait until the children go to college to separate. However, research shows that even college-age children may be just as vulnerable as the younger ones.

It is best to tell children when you know yourself what the plan is. I like to tell my clients, let’s get a plan in place first as to parenting time and arrangements before we discuss the prospect of separating. Your children are going to have as many questions as you had when you entered the process and possibly more pointed ones. In mediation, we like to wait until we have developed a parenting plan or if the children are older, a future plan.

The important part of this discussion is to ensure the children that they are loved and will always be taken care of. That the parents will work together as parents in creating two homes for the children. Get the children involved in creating their new homes and spaces.

 
*Telling our parents.

Although we are adults and have been in our own homes for many years, we may feel concerned about disappointing our parents by admitting that our marriage is breaking up. Remember it is not a failure to end a marriage! They may be more understanding than you think. Don’t be afraid to ask for support.

*Telling our friends.

Other couples with whom we shared dinners, vacations, activities, and events with our children are sometimes the hardest people to confront with the breakup. Remember again, this is not a failure when you decide to end a marriage. It may be thought of as a new beginning. You may no longer be interacting with these friends or couples in the same way and fear you may lose some and/or be judged by them.

Going through a mediated divorce or separation gives you an edge in this regard because it keeps a couple, although separating, it keeps them communicating. Communication is the key to any relationship, including communicating with your friends. Your friends will be less likely to feel they have to take sides if they see you are working together to create your new lives.

 
*Telling people at work.

Work colleagues may know very little about your personal lives. Every situation is different, sometimes you are close with your colleagues, sometimes they are distant colleagues. Assess your situation and never be embarrassed by your personal life.

If you are considering divorce, we can assist you with all the different aspects of that process through mediation, including how to have those difficult conversations. And if available your therapist is there to help as well!


Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer, Director of Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd. 1-800-WE MEDIATE serving Long Island and all of New York City, New York visit our website at www.divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com

Fall Parenting Guide when Separating or Divorcing

 

A Beginner’s Parenting Guide to Separation and Divorce with Children

By Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., Founder Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York

Summer has ended and the school year has begun, parents who are contemplating divorce or separation often worry about the impact on children in the future and how best to make decisions for their future.  Who shall have custody of the children? Where will they live and go to school? How will they do? Am I just going to be a weekend parent? How do we have equal time with the children? These are common worries and fears couples bring to mediation.  The first step is to know what the lingo is when talking about children in the context of separation and divorce. There is a whole new vocabulary you should be aware of before you set out on the process.

What is Custody? When we use the word custody we are actually talking about two separate issues – legal custody and physical or residential custody.

    Residential Custody: Refers to where the children will be living. Every child needs a place to list on his or her school records or medical records. What is that address? Physical or Residential Custodial Parent: Who is going to maintain the home where the children will live most of the time. Whose residence will be listed on those school records and medical records. This is usually the parent we refer to as the custodial parent for child support purposes.

    Legal Custody: This generally refers solely to the decision making authority regarding important decisions for the children, such as healthcare, education, and general welfare. This is where joint and sole custody comes into play.

    Joint Legal Custody: This is the term used where both parents have agreed to make major decisions for the children together. This is the best case scenario for the children as long as the parents can work as a team for the sake of the children. Can you put aside your differences when it comes to the children?

    Sole Legal Custody: When parents cannot maintain a team approach for decision making for the children, one parent is given the authority to make major decisions. This is usually the residential custodial parent. The other parent, however, who does not have legal custody will be required to be kept informed and be consulted regarding all issues involving the children.

What is this “Visitation” we hear of? Is there a requirement one parent should have visitation only alternating weekends?

Absolutely not!! I first off, never use the word “visitation”. No parent should ever be visiting their child or children. Parenting Time is the schedule created for a family to make optimal use of the families time together and apart. A parenting time schedule should be made for when children are with each parent, including a schedule for weekdays, weekends, holidays, and vacations. Ideally, your parenting time should allow for flexibility but also provide for a specific routine your children and yourselves. As your children grow, their needs and activities will change, and so may your jobs and these schedules need to be flexible enough to accommodate those changes.

A Parenting Agreement will include all of the terms that are necessary and important to the family. These are some of the items which may go into your parenting agreement along with the varying custody arrangements and holiday and parenting time schedules.

    § Which parent will pick up and drop off the children

    § Education and religious concerns and upbringing

    § How will the parents be advised on school and after school activities, including who will attend school conferences and events and functions.

    § How they parents handle family functions that take place during year, including birthday parties, graduation parties, bar and bat mitzvahs or communions, and the like.

    § Notification to parents and others if they are travelling outside of the United States with the children, and if so, are any restrictions to foreign travel. Who is responsible for the passports.

    § Communication with the parent who does not have parenting time, how and when should this occur?

    § Relocation issues and guidance should a parent want to relocate

    § Any parenting issues including restrictions regarding substance and alcohol use of the parents, friends or neighbors who will be around the children; any other restrictions the parents have agreed upon (for instance, a family member who cannot babysit the children).

The beauty about mediation is that you may as a couple and partners as parents tailor a Parenting Plan which meets your family’s needs. Remember it is no longer only the best interests of the children that are important, but the interests of the family!

Disclaimer:  The information obtained at this site is not, nor is it intended to be, legal advice. You should consult an attorney for advice regarding your individual situation. We invite you to contact us and welcome your calls, letters and electronic mail. Contacting us does not create an attorney-client relationship. Please do not send any confidential information to us until such time as an attorney-client relationship has been established.