Making the Most of This Holiday Season during a Separation or Divorce by Robyn D. Weisman, Esq.

The stress of the holiday season can be overwhelming for divorcing families.   With the major transitions facing your family, the holiday season approaches which generally is about families getting together.  How can you deal with this?   Is it possible to have a “normal” holiday for the kids?  How do we share the holidays, with the kids, future ex-spouses, and new and extended families?

Be open and flexible, willing to share and figure out new and exciting ways to celebrate, even if it is different from what you’ve done in the past.  Try to smile and be happy even if you feel stress and fear underneath.  If you feel angry, wait before making any rash decisions.  Try to reach out of yourself and use common sense.  Think to yourself, is the anger, or argument really worth the stress on you or your kids.  Sometimes the best battles won are through patience and understanding.

Some tips to cope during this holiday season:

1.     It’s all about the kids. This may be your first holiday apart from your ex or future ex and for the children’s sake you are trying so hard to maintain as many traditions as possible.  Following the same routine would be the best possible scenario.  Eventually sharing holidays will come easier as long as all of you are getting along.  But in the beginning, certainly try to keep the traditions, and then new traditions can and will develop.  In the beginning, try to keep change to a minimum.  Ease the transition and then start anew.

2.    Put on a happy face.  This may have been a very tough year for you and smiles are not coming easy.  The holidays feel like a chore and you don’t feel like celebrating.  Smiles go a long way.  They are contagious!  Smile, do it for yourself and your children.  Decorate, shop, cook, party, and smile.   You may see that actively participating in the celebrations may even lift your spirits, and your kids will be happy all the more when they see you happy. 

3.    Think out of the box:  There may be those traditions where you and the whole family went to a family’s house for Christmas Eve or the first night of Hannukah.  Now you may not be invited if it was your in-laws.  Well, let your kids go and find a special time or way for you to celebrate that same holiday you may be missing.  Now you may be creating a new tradition!

4.    Remember your parents forever: Not only are you and your spouse parents forever, but ex-in-laws or soon to be ex-in-laws are your children’s family forever too.  Start early and show the children you appreciate all family members by including them when you do holiday cards and shopping.  These gestures now will go a long way in the future when special occasions arise in the future.  Graduations, weddings, birthdays all involve the entire family.  Your children will appreciate the fact that you have worked to keep those times stress free and loving for all. 

5.    How can I pay for those holiday gifts. Now may be a financially difficult time as well as emotional.  Remember your kids will be getting twice as much now, so you don’t have to overdo it!   Maybe talk to your ex or soon to be ex and talk about what each of you will be getting the kids.  Share and divide the wish list. 

6.    What is this Holiday schedule anyway?  I can’t tell you how many couples come to me and say we have to alternate the holidays, right.  This is what they hear from other families, many of whom have gone through the Court battle to end their marriage.  Remember as the marriage was yours, the divorce is yours too.  What works for some families may not work for yours.  Be creative.  Think of traditions.  Can you keep the traditions and add new ones?  If your family spends Christmas Eve together each year, while your spouse’s family spends Christmas Day together each year, why not keep it that way.  Do your kids usually go to the in-laws summer home for Labor Day weekend, can they still do that?  Sure. Why don’t you make Memorial Day weekend your weekend to go to Montauk?  If your family has a huge Thanksgiving Dinner and your ex spouse’s family is not around for Thanksgiving so make Thanksgiving Day yours and the weekend after your spouses’.  What works for your family is the answer to the puzzle! Think about how your families celebrate each holiday and where your kids would likely prefer to be and use that to start your holiday schedule. Build and keep those childhood memories for the kids.

It’s all about tradition, memories and building a happy future!

Happy Holidays from Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York; 631-465-2140

 www.divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com

WHAT IS A LEGAL SEPARATION?

                            

If you and your spouse decide to live separate and apart, but you do not want to divorce, you can go for a legal separation. 

To do this you enter into a Separation Agreement.  This does not involve Court intervention when done through mediation.  A legal separation can give you and your spouse the time apart you need while you try to repair a marriage that may be in jeopardy of ending.

A separation agreement gives you the chance to work out problems, slowly and over time, without the pressure of a divorce action. There may be other financial reasons to go for the separation instead of a divorce right away.  These concerns can be health insurance related, tax interests and/or retirement benefits.

As part of the separation agreement, you and your spouse decide on a number of important issues, such as child support and spousal support (called maintenance), as well as a parenting plan. A written separation agreement, as with a divorce agreement, will set out the rights and obligations of you and your spouse both during and after the separation. It becomes a binding agreement enforceable in Court if necessary. 

Although New York law now provides for a no-fault divorce, if you or your spouse can establish that you have lived separate and apart under a written separation agreement for at least one year, then you may obtain a judgment of divorce on that basis alone. The separation agreement will be submitted as part of a divorce decree, if you or your spouse decides to seek a divorce.

If you and your spouse begin living separate and apart under a separation agreement, you are free to get back together at any time. A separation agreement generally becomes invalid and void when you begin living together again with an intent to reconcile.

A mediator can work out the terms with you for a legal separation but remember only an attorney can draft the legal document.

Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer, Director of Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd. 1-800-WE MEDIATE, 631-465-2140 or visit us at www.divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com

With office in Long Beach, Nassau County and Melville, Suffolk County New York

What to Expect In Mediation

WHAT TO EXPECT IN MEDIATION

We’ve all seen friends or family members endure long drawn out divorce battles with aggressive lawyers who seemed to escalate the conflict more than resolve it.

What you may not know is that there is a kinder, gentler way to divorce or separate.  Divorce mediation involves the help of a neutral third party. This method requires the couple to work together to divide their assets and establish child custody arrangements, and at the same time preserve a decent relationship throughout the process.

In your first session, it’s ok and actually very normal to feel anxious. Fear, sadness may be creeping up on you during the first session as well. But the mediator is there to put you both at ease.  The basics are covered and in my practice, the children, if there are any, are discussed first and will usually bring us all to a common ground. With years of experience in the Courts, working as a mediator in Family Court, and with a psychology background, we are able to work through the issues and find the options which best serve your family.

The goal is to fairly and equally divide our assets and to advocate for your children’s best interests in as few sessions as possible.

What you will need to bring or at least review:

·       Pay stubs, plus statements for savings, checking, and retirement accounts

·       Mortgage balances, credit card statements, and child care expenses.

·       As my clients will attest my line is “everything you own and owe”

Beyond dividing up assets and making arrangements for children, mediation comes with heavy emotions.

The more information you share with each other, the less emotional the process will feel. It can be hard to fully trust a spouse you’re divorcing, since you wouldn’t be ending the marriage if you were on the best terms. But if you trust your mediator and the process, that will go a long way toward keeping your emotions out of it.

It’s key that you go into mediation fully prepared to compromise — beyond what you may have expected.

Remember, no one wins but the key is to be peaceful and come to a solution that works for all.  It the mediator’s goal to help you stay focused on the goal of separating peacefully.

The mutual goal: to finalize the divorce without spending a fortune on legal fees or becoming enemies. It will work! Find a mediator who you are comfortable with and who knows the law.  And you will find the kindler, gentler way to separate or divorce.

Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer, Director of Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd. 1-800-WE MEDIATE with offices in Melville and Long Beach, New York  

Visit us at 

www.divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com