The Difficult Conversations of Divorce or Separation and How to Have Them
By Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., January 30, 2024
In making the decision to divorce or separate a person or couple together had the courage to face a harsh reality and take the leap towards what may be a healthier life for the family. Sometimes learning from our mistakes will make us stronger. We can become more aware of who we are and what we need to do to improve our lives. Sometimes we live in a situation of enduring daily stress and freeing ourselves can also open up a space for us to be better parents, children, friends, and co-workers.
It’s hard enough coming to terms with an ending marriage but the thought of telling our children, parents, friends, and even people at work, can be so difficult and even scary.
When is the best time to do it? How do we approach it? Who should be present?
* Telling our children.
Inevitably we feel guilty about disrupting our children’s stable lives and dread how their lives will be changed by divorce or separation.
We ask ourselves whether it’s best to wait until the children go to college to separate. However, research shows that even college-age children may be just as vulnerable as the younger ones.
It is best to tell children when you know yourself what the plan is. I like to tell my clients, let’s get a plan in place first as to parenting time and arrangements before we discuss the prospect of separating. Your children are going to have as many questions as you had when you entered the process and possibly more pointed ones. In mediation, we like to wait until we have developed a parenting plan or if the children are older, a future plan.
The important part of this discussion is to ensure the children that they are loved and will always be taken care of. That the parents will work together as parents in creating two homes for the children. Get the children involved in creating their new homes and spaces.
*Telling our parents.
Although we are adults and have been in our own homes for many years, we may feel concerned about disappointing our parents by admitting that our marriage is breaking up. Remember it is not a failure to end a marriage! They may be more understanding than you think. Don’t be afraid to ask for support.
*Telling our friends.
Other couples with whom we shared dinners, vacations, activities, and events with our children are sometimes the hardest people to confront with the breakup. Remember again, this is not a failure when you decide to end a marriage. It may be thought of as a new beginning. You may no longer be interacting with these friends or couples in the same way and fear you may lose some and/or be judged by them.
Going through a mediated divorce or separation gives you an edge in this regard because it keeps a couple, although separating, it keeps them communicating. Communication is the key to any relationship, including communicating with your friends. Your friends will be less likely to feel they have to take sides if they see you are working together to create your new lives.
Other couples with whom we shared dinners, vacations, activities, and events with our children are sometimes the hardest people to confront with the breakup. Remember again, this is not a failure when you decide to end a marriage. It may be thought of as a new beginning. You may no longer be interacting with these friends or couples in the same way and fear you may lose some and/or be judged by them.
Going through a mediated divorce or separation gives you an edge in this regard because it keeps a couple, although separating, it keeps them communicating. Communication is the key to any relationship, including communicating with your friends. Your friends will be less likely to feel they have to take sides if they see you are working together to create your new lives.
*Telling people at work.
Work colleagues may know very little about your personal lives. Every situation is different, sometimes you are close with your colleagues, sometimes they are distant colleagues. Assess your situation and never be embarrassed by your personal life.
If you are considering divorce, we can assist you with all the different aspects of that process through mediation, including how to have those difficult conversations. And if available your therapist is there to help as well!
Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer, Director of Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd. 1-800-WE MEDIATE serving Long Island and all of New York City, New York visit our website at www.divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com
