The Emotional Ride of a Divorce or Separation

The Emotional Ride of a Divorce or Separation

By Robyn Weisman, Esq.


                    


Ever take a ride in an amusement park? Your adventure goes from nerves, to fear, to relief, and then, wow, that was ok, not as bad as I thought! All the emotions involved in a roller coaster ride you feel as you go through a divorce or separation. In a divorce there are ups and downs, twists and turns, moments of high anxiety and then eventually clarity, freedom, and relief.

Are these feelings normal?

· Doubt

· Know what you need to do but ambivalence

· Thankful now you can take care of yourself

· Sadness

· Excitement about possibilities

· Fear of the future

OWN YOUR FEELINGS: THEY ARE TOTALLY NORMAL  

How do you get through it?

· Create a support system, people who will not judge, make you feel bad or confused, but people who will lift you up and you can rely on

· Allow yourself to have feelings, take it one day at a time, all will be ok

· Allow yourself to miss your spouse or the life you had, but realize there is a future and a bright light ahead

· Go see a professional if you need to. Therapy can help you through the days and months ahead

· Create a new chapter of life in your head and start getting excited over the new experiences that are and may be in store for you

· Get to know yourself again, what did you used to like to do, what brought you excitement and step into it again

· Celebrate your winnings, each step taken, allow yourself to be proud

Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer, Director of Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd. Serving New York City and Long Island 631-465-2140, robyn.weisman@yahoo.com, www.divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com

We’ve all seen friends or family members endure long drawn-out divorce battles with aggressive lawyers who seemed to escalate the conflict more than resolve it.

What you may not know is that there is a kinder, gentler way to divorce or separate. Divorce mediation involves the help of a neutral third party. This method requires the couple to work together to divide their assets and establish child custody arrangements, and at the same time preserve a decent relationship throughout the process.





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In your first session, it’s ok and very normal to feel anxious. Fear, sadness may be creeping up on you during the first session as well. But the mediator is there to put you both at ease. The basics are covered and in my practice, the children, if there are any, are discussed first and will usually bring us all to a common ground. With years of experience in the Courts, working as a mediator in Family Court, and with a psychology background, we are able to work through the issues and find the options which best serve your family.

The goal is to divide your assets fairly and equally and to advocate for your children’s best interests in as few sessions as possible.

What you will need to bring or at least review:

· Pay stubs, plus statements for savings, checking, and retirement accounts

· Mortgage balances, credit card statements, and childcare expenses.

· As my clients will attest my line is “everything you own and owe”

Beyond dividing up assets and making arrangements for children, mediation comes with heavy emotions.

The more information you share with each other, the less emotional the process will feel. It can be hard to fully trust a spouse you’re divorcing, since you wouldn’t be ending the marriage if you were on the best terms. But if you trust your mediator and the process, that will go a long way toward keeping your emotions out of it.

It’s key that you go into mediation fully prepared to compromise — beyond what you may have expected.

Remember, no one wins but the key is to be peaceful and come to a solution that works for all. It the mediator’s goal to help you stay focused on the goal of separating peacefully.

The mutual goal: to finalize the divorce without spending a fortune on legal fees or becoming enemies. It will work! Find a mediator who you are comfortable with and who knows the law. And you will find the kindler, gentler way to separate or divorce.

Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer, Director of Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd. Serving New York City and Long Island 631-465-2140, robyn.weisman@yahoo.com, www.divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com

It's A New Year: Is a Change Coming?

 

NEW YEAR, NEW ME
By Robyn D. Weisman, Esq.,
Director, Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York







New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day have come and gone. It may have been exactly what we always thought or it may have been a time to reflect on a decision to make some changes. 2022 is a New Year and possibly a new beginning. 

Here are some thoughts to start the New Year when thinking about change:


1. Endings are also new beginnings

 
Don’t think of it as an ending but rather a fresh start. Beginning a new year reminds us that the end of one thing leads to the start of another. A relationship may be over but your life is not. Let this be a time when you recognize that you do still have a future ahead of you, despite the pain you’ve been through. And embrace the power of change….


2. So much change can happen in one year, and it can be good

 
A good thing to remember is, how much things can change in such a short span of time.
If your relationship ended suddenly you might be wondering “How did my life change so badly in a year?”. The reverse can be equally true. Although it is often difficult to see how we will ever be happy, this time next New Year’s Eve, you may be in a completely different place, both emotionally and situationally. I have seen so many of my clients after one year out of an unhealthy relationship, look and feel so healthy and changed in so many respects for the better.


3. Let go of the old

 
Releasing old habits, emotions and destructive behaviors can be a goal for the New Year. This may be a great time to reflect on what’s not working in your life and make a decision to start the year differently. What may be holding you back? Is it grief, anger, disappointment or sadness around the end of your relationship? Reflecting on it will help you move on. Maybe you are still letting your partner or ex-partner have too much interest or control in your life. This may make it hard for you to move forward. What will you do to help you feel differently?


4. Celebrate your achievements

 
However recently or distantly your relationship ended, or you may wish to end, you will have something to celebrate. It’s important to be kind to yourself and acknowledge you’ve been through a tough time. If your biggest achievement is simply waking up each day, then embrace that. Whether you are taking baby steps or long strides, remember to celebrate that you are still moving forward!


5. Resolutions for the year; what are your goals?

 
New year is traditionally a time for setting resolutions. Giving yourself realistic goals which can be a wonderful way to increase levels of positivity and happiness after a difficult year. The key is to make the goals challenging enough that they will inspire you, but realistic enough that you don’t set yourself up to fail and feel worse than when you began.


But don’t forget to be kind to yourself; look to do things that make you feel yourself again. Possibly set goals that you would not have believed possible during your relationship. Think of anything you might have held back on for fear of upsetting or being criticized by your spouse or partner.


We can, of course, make the decision to change our lives on whatever day or time we choose. But when the new year is so perfectly apt for starting afresh, why not use the opportunity to make those changes right now?

 
Wishing you a very Happy New Year and a shining future life!


Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer, Director of Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd. 1-631-465-2140 Offices On Long island and New York City

Virtual appointments days, nights, and weekends available!

www.Divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com

How Does Mediation Work

              
You’ve heard a lot about mediation, but how does it work?


Mediation is becoming increasingly popular among divorcing couples as an alternative to litigation. Often mediation leads to both parties being more satisfied with the results of their divorce. Divorce is a no-win situation, but going through a divorce or separation in an amicable way is better for the couple and the family as a whole.

In mediation, a divorcing couple will meet with a neutral third party (who should be an attorney who is also a mediator) and reach decisions about disputes in their divorce or legal separation.

The mediator is there to facilitate the discussion between the two parties. The mediator who is also an attorney may suggest solutions based on what other couples have done under similar circumstances, or what might happen if the disputes were taken to a divorce court.

It’s hard to overstate the benefits of a mediated settlement over a litigation battle. Some benefits are obvious – mediation saves money and saves time. Some are not so obvious – successful mediation develops positive conflict management. But there’s little doubt that everyone involved in a divorce is better off discussing their issues and developing a solution themselves.


WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF MEDIATION?

The most obvious advantage of successful mediation is the cost savings. For a good lawyer to walk into the courtroom with you will cost about $40,000. Certainly not every case costs this much, but there’s no doubt that fully litigated cases can easily cost between $15,000 and $50,000 per person. Mediation, on the other hand, may run you as little as $4000 in total and at the most around $7000. The difference between the cost of litigation and mediation is saved money that can be used for the children, college expenses, pay off debt, or just to start fresh in life. It may turn out to be the best investment you ever make.

The least obvious, but in many cases, the most important advantage is that during your divorce, you will be learning how to manage conflict. With litigation, you learn to manage future conflict by going to court and battling it in front of a judge. With mediation you learn that negotiating takes two, that you can be flexible, and that a deal you work out is better than some judge’s random decision.

MEDIATION CAN BE USED IN THE COUPLE’S FUTURE AS WELL

Managing future conflicts is especially important in cases involving kids. It’s so important to learn to work together for their benefit.

In divorces involving children, it’s highly likely the parties will need to come back for modification or other issues at some point in the future, particularly when the children involved are younger. Sometimes, parents come back for a modification of support, other times it’s for a change in the parenting time schedule. But the reality is that any order crafted for young children is likely to need modification in the future. Mediation is perfect for that as well.

If the parties have used mediation successfully once, they are likely to use it again. Have faith in the mediation process! A successful mediation helps resolve disputes now and in the future.

Mediation in this day and age is even easier. Nights and weekends are now convenient for all given video conferencing which is also a perfect way to mediate without leaving your homes.

MEDIATE DON’T LITIGATE, IT’S THE KINDER GENTLER WAY

Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer, Director of Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd. 1-631-465-2140 with offices in Melville and Long Beach, New York City

PUTTING THE PIECES TOGETHER: FINANCES IN A DIVORCE OR SEPARATION

 

We’ve all seen friends or family members endure long drawn out divorce battles with aggressive lawyers who seemed to escalate the conflict more than resolve it.

What you may not know is that there is a kinder, gentler way to divorce or separate. Divorce mediation involves the help of a neutral third party. This method requires the couple to work together to divide their assets and establish child custody arrangements, and at the same time preserve a decent relationship throughout the process.

In your first session, it’s ok and actually very normal to feel anxious. Fear, sadness may be creeping up on you during the first session as well. But the mediator is there to put you both at ease. The basics are covered and in my practice, the children, if there are any, are discussed first and will usually bring us all to a common ground. With years of experience in the Courts, working as a mediator in Family Court, and with a psychology background, we are able to work through the issues and find the options which best serve your family.

The goal is to fairly and equally divide our assets and to advocate for your children’s best interests in as few sessions as possible.

What you will need to bring or at least review:

· Pay stubs, plus statements for savings, checking, and retirement accounts

· Mortgage balances, credit card statements, and child care expenses.

· As my clients will attest my line is “everything you own and owe”

Beyond dividing up assets and making arrangements for children, mediation comes with heavy emotions.

The more information you share with each other, the less emotional the process will feel. It can be hard to fully trust a spouse you’re divorcing, since you wouldn’t be ending the marriage if you were on the best terms. But if you trust your mediator and the process, that will go a long way toward keeping your emotions out of it.

It’s key that you go into mediation fully prepared to compromise — beyond what you may have expected.

Remember, no one wins but the key is to be peaceful and come to a solution that works for all. It the mediator’s goal to help you stay focused on the goal of separating peacefully.

The mutual goal: to finalize the divorce without spending a fortune on legal fees or becoming enemies. It will work! Find a mediator who you are comfortable with and who knows the law. And you will find the kindler, gentler way to separate or divorce.

Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer, Director of Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd. 

With offices in Melville, Long Beach, and New York City, New York 631-465-2140

 www.divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com

What Happens to our Retirement after a Divorce?


By Robyn D. Weisman, Esq.

Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York

In planning for your divorce, a look at the retirement accounts will typically show that these funds represent a good portion of a couple’s assets and savings. These can be in the form of 401K plans, IRAs, Thrift Savings Annuities and retirement pension plans.

Division of these funds can be crucial to balancing a couple’s assets. Some may want to evaluate to plan a buy-out of the parties other personal and real property. For this, an actuary or pension evaluator is a key asset in determining the value of one’s pension, since it is not defined. Your divorce mediator on Long Island or divorce attorney can help in locating a pension evaluator to have the plan evaluated.

At Divorce Mediation & Family Services we work with an efficient and effective pension evaluator to assist us in this process.

If a pension, 401K, Thrift Savings Annuity and the like (not an IRA), needs to be divided in some manner a Qualified Domestic Relations Order or QDRO is necessary to effectuate this. The QDRO is a document which instructs the plan administrator of the retirement plan on how to assign a portion of the funds to the spouse or “alternate payee”. The plan administrator approves the document before it is presented to the Court by the Long Island divorce attorney.

With the QDRO, transfers can be made at the appropriate time without any penalties. In New York, and on Long Island especially, the Courts do not sign off on this until a divorce is being finalized. It is important that the divorce mediator or divorce attorney is knowledgeable about the QDRO execution and procedures so that the divorce Agreement, Separation Agreement or Stipulation is drafted properly to include how the retirement plans will be distributed in a separation or divorce scenario.

Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York on Long Island has Long Island divorce mediators and attorneys experienced in retirement settlements and drafting the QDROs for the divorcing couple.

Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York

Your premiere Long Island Divorce Mediation firm

631-465-2140

Melville, New York

WHAT IS A SEPARATION AGREEMENT?

April 16, 2021, Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., President of Divorce Mediation and Family Services of New York


 

If you and your spouse decide to live separate and apart, but you do not want to divorce, you can go for a legal separation. A legal Separation does not involve Court intervention when done through mediation. A legal separation can give you and your spouse the time apart you need while you try to repair a marriage that may be in jeopardy of ending.

To do this you enter into a Separation Agreement.

WHAT IS A SEPARATION AGREEMENT?

A separation agreement is a written agreement that you and your spouse voluntarily sign without involving the court. Often, a separation agreement can allow you and your spouse the time apart you need while you try to repair a marriage.

A separation agreement gives you the opportunity to work out problems, slowly and over time, without the pressure of a divorce action hanging over your head. There may be other financial reasons to go for the separation instead of a divorce right away. These concerns can be health insurance related, tax interests and/or retirement benefits.

If you decide to eventually go for a divorce, you would not have to enter into another agreement, unless you decide to make changes.

As part of the separation agreement, you and your spouse decide on a number of important issues, such as child support and spousal support (called maintenance). A written separation agreement will clearly set out the rights and obligations of you and your spouse, both during and after the separation.

More importantly, especially when there are minor children of the marriage, a separation agreement allows you and your spouse to work out the details of custody and visitation in advance, as well as provide for child support and additions to child support (called add-ons), such as health insurance, education and daycare for children.

If you and your spouse begin living separate and apart under a separation agreement, you are free to get back together at any time. A separation agreement generally becomes invalid and void when you begin living together again with an intent to reconcile. However, your separation agreement can say that it is not void if you start living together again and that you can void the agreement by a second separate writing.

Although New York law now provides for a no-fault divorce, if you or your spouse can establish that you have lived separate and apart under a written separation agreement for at least one year, then you may obtain a judgment of divorce on that basis alone. The separation agreement will be submitted as part of a divorce decree, if you or your spouse decides to seek a divorce.

A mediator can work out the terms with you for a legal separation but remember only an attorney can draft the legal document.

Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer, Director of Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd. 631-465-2140 or visit us at www.divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com

With office in Long Beach, Nassau County and Melville, Suffolk County New York and New York County