How Will My Separation or Divorce Affect My Children?

 

The separation of a divorcing couple is a draining experience for the entire family. The emotional toll of separation can have consequences that manifest themselves in children’s social and academic lives. The result of this severe stress can negatively impact a child’s grades, friends, state of mind, and even physical well-being. Fortunately, there are ways in which a couple can get separated while preserving the family atmosphere that is vital to the healthy development of a child or young adult.

Going through a divorce in Court with attorneys: 

Imagine yourself as the son or daughter of two separating parents going through the litigation process. The two people who shape the person you want to be are now in a heated bout of tug-of-war and you, your siblings, your house, your pets- your life- make up the rope. One parent pulls your life as hard as he or she can in one direction, while the other parent fights to resist the offensives of the person who was once a lover, but now an enemy. The very nature of the litigation process is what damages the children.

The children end up seeing their parents, who were once symbols of unity, sanctity, and order, become adversaries vying to devise how to maximize what they walk away with. The destroyed ideas of cooperation and mutual respect are so emotionally injurious to the child that he or she may end up feeling disconnected from life itself.

The essential function of a litigation-driven courtroom is to pit two opposing parties face-to-face, and let them scratch and claw for their own individual needs.

What is different about Mediation? 

During mediation, both adults sit down together with a mediator (who at Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York is also a trained litigator) and negotiate a plan that will strive to optimize everyone’s well-being. The parents cooperating in times of separation is an expression of mutual respect, health, and even unity that helps the child understand that, even though the parents are divorcing, they still care for the family institution and, more importantly, the children themselves. Therefore, the very essence of what mediation stands for is a real-world manifestation of the healthy psyche that we want to see in our children, making it the healthiest option for the family.

In mediation we encourage parents to develop “parenting plans” that meet the needs of the children and the parents, allowing both parents to spend a substantial amount of time with their kids. Co-parenting plans focus on the children and their needs and take away the “custody” battle. Although divorce is an end to the marital relationship, the parental and family relationship continues. Mediation is designed to promote communication and therefore can help families establish their new- post-divorce relationship and life.

Because mediation is a less contentious process than a courtroom divorce, couples without young children find their way into mediation as the process focuses on negotiation. The division of the property and assets with the help of a neutral third-party helps to develop an amicable resolution and one that meets the concerns of the parties. A mediator is required to be a neutral party and works with the couple for the good of both parties. 

Divorce mediation is a process wherein both parties are equally acknowledged and heard. It is a process in which a mediator makes a difficult time a little easier. Both parties work to gain their independence while at the same time working together to come to a mutually beneficial and respectful agreement. With the trained mediator’s assistance neither party will dominate the other party but instead will work together in a healthy fashion to secure their future.

A healthy divorce includes a healthy family and your children will gain the greatest benefit from your efforts as co-parents.

Robyn D. Weisman, Esq.

Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd., New York City and Long Island

631-465-2140