SEPARATING AND DIVORCING DURING COVID AND WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

So much has changed in the times of COVID-19. These life-altering events are incredibly painful during normal circumstances—but even more agonizing during a pandemic. 

In normal times, most divorces are resolved without going to trial but the couple still has spent quite a bit of their fortune on the two attorneys to argue. Court conferences in family court and the trial courts are the norm. Divorcing through litigation can be costly, emotionally challenging, and it can take anywhere from a few months to a couple of years.

In any event, no with many trials being put on hold by the courts and the likely backup that will ensue as a result, what is already a long process may become that much more so in the current and post COVID world.

Because of COVID, Family court and trial courts are not available for hearings and trials. In fact many courts are not opening for trial until 2021. How can you resolve family issues, get separated or get divorced? How do you deal with parenting time during social distancing?

Through mediation, couples seek mutually beneficial resolutions to their problems with the assistance of a neutral third-party mediator. Unlike litigation, this process does not pit spouse against spouse. It allows the couple to keep their personal life private and is typically more cost-effective.

The mediator can help resolve child custody, child support, spousal support, and property division issues. The divorce can be dealt with at whatever pace works best for the couple. Mediation can also be used to resolve specific issues in a divorce, such as custody, while the rest of the divorce is otherwise settled between the parties.

Mediation can be done from the comfort of your home or private space while Zoom has allowed for a perfect way to mediate while social distancing.

There are new financial laws in place through the CARES act that may also help you financially which the mediator and/or attorney mediator should help in sharing with you. Creative parenting agreements during the period of social distancing. Can prior Agreement be modified due to the COVID crisis?

Mediation is kinder, gentler way to divorce or separate. Since the Courts are not available now, think mediation is always available!

With years of experience in the Courts, working as a mediator in Family Court, and with a psychology background, we are able to work through the issues and find the options which best serve your family.

The goal is to fairly and equally divide our assets and to advocate for your children’s best interests in as few sessions as possible.

Remember, no one wins but the key is to be peaceful and come to a solution that works for all. It the mediator’s goal to help you stay focused on the goal of separating peacefully.

The mutual goal: to finalize the divorce without spending a fortune on legal fees or becoming enemies. It will work! Find a mediator who you are comfortable with and who knows the law. And you will find the kindler, gentler way to separate or divorce.

Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer, Director of Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd. 1-800-WE MEDIATE  or 631-465-2140 with offices in Melville and Long Beach, New York  www.divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com

Empty Nesters Facing a New Chapter Can Include Divorce or Separation

Posted on March 9, 2020 by Robyn D. Weisman, Esq.
Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York
www.divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com

                

Now that your children are on their own, after years of raising a family with your spouse, you find yourself ready to start a new life. Sometimes you may find this new life might be starting on your own. The Empty Nest Divorce affects and is common through a large portion of the population. How common? In the past 25 years, divorce among people 50 years of age and older has roughly doubled. 

Whether you call it empty nest syndrome or a mid-life crisis, many couples struggle when their children leave home. This life change can be a tough adjustment since a parent has gotten used to having their child living under their roof for 18+ years. Spouses are used to focusing on their child’s schedule and activities.

Often, parents on the brink of divorce stick it out until

their last child leaves for college. While they may 

have been planning this for a while, parents think they are doing their children a service by waiting until they leave home to break the news. This is not necessarily the best plan. The underlying strife and anxiety in a relationship is definitely felt in the children even if it is not public.

                    

Does An Empty Nest Cause Divorce?

The Empty Nest does not cause divorce, but life drastically changes when our children “fly the coop.” We might not have addressed issues that were troublesome to our marriage. We might have been so busy keeping up with all of the activities and responsibilities of parenthood that we neglected our relationship as lovers, friends and husband and wife.

Plenty of couples say they have grown apart, lost sight of each other and their relationship while raising children. But there are many reasons late-in-life divorces can occur, such as:

1) People are living longer and, knowing they have a good two or three decades still ahead of them, prefer not to live in an unsatisfying marriage.

2) Whether it’s menopause or medication that stalls a person’s libido, health problems of any sort can put a strain on a marriage.

3) If you relied on the activities of your child as part of your social calendar, now that your child has left the nest you may find your social calendar quite empty.

4) Do you and your spouse have completely different ideas about life after retirement, or even when to retire? Incompatibility in this department can effect your plan.

What should you consider when starting the divorce or separation process?
1) Who’s paying for college? If your child or children are in college, it needs to be decided during your divorce who will contribute what funds to continue paying for your child’s education.

2) When will you see your kids? Your children may be too old for child custody, parenting time or child support, to be an issue in your divorce. But you are parents forever so make a point to discuss who will be at what holiday or celebration trying to do it together if possible.

3) How does divorce affect retirement? From Social Security to pensions to 401(k)s, there are some assets that you may be entitled to. Whatever the two of you planned to do together after retirement will be distributed in your divorce.

A healthy divorce includes a healthy family and your children will gain the greatest benefit from your efforts to go through an amicable divorce. Therefore, the very essence of what mediation stands for is a real-world manifestation of the healthy psyche that we want in any difficult situation.



Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd.

631-465-2140, or 1-800-WE MEDIATE

Mediating Couples with Special Needs Children By Robyn D. Weisman, Esq.

The most frequently cited data regarding divorce rates among parents having Special Needs children are that rates are high, over 80%. All parents come to mediation with certain hopes and dreams for the child’s future. But parents with special needs children carry their most personal and emotionally charged concerns. These situations are particularly suitable for mediation. Both parents share common worries about their child’s current and future needs, and their incentive to cooperate is clear.


In working with these couples, in addition to performing my other mediator responsibilities, I find it important to gather as much information about the special needs child and how the disability relates to the parents’ lives as well as the other siblings in the family. The family relationships are very often more complex.




We develop together a parenting plan providing the details of the children’s living arrangements and the responsibilities of each parent. A specific parenting plan is the best way to go to avoid any misunderstandings or conflict.

Certain issues we want to address are: 1) the extent of the disability and how child care may or may not differ, 2) making each home equally welcoming for the child or children or if unable to because of special equipment or parental training and commitment, how we want to address it, 3) adjusting parenting plans to accommodate the needs of the child, and the needs of a parent if one parent ends up with the bulk of the responsibility for caring for the child, 4) consistency and the need for routines, 5) more care to ensure one on one time with the other children and 6) financial concerns present and future.

Co-parenting is so important when determining a plan for these families. Due to the growth of children and potential change in needs for the special needs child, further review of parenting plans in the future may be necessary and changes made. In this regard, making a date in the future to revisit the plan may be placed in any agreement made by the parents.

A healthy divorce includes a healthy family and your children will gain the greatest benefit from your efforts as co-parents.


Robyn D. Weisman, Esq.
Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd.
631-465-2140

www.divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com

Disclaimer: The information obtained at this site is not, nor is it intended to be, legal advice. You should consult an attorney for advice regarding your individual situation. We invite you to contact us and welcome your calls, letters and electronic mail. Contacting us does not create an attorney-client relationship. Please do not send any confidential information to us until such time as an attorney-client relationship has been established.

NEW YEAR,  NEW ME

By Robyn D. Weisman, Esq.,

Director, Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York

New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day have come and gone.  It may have been exactly what we always thought or it may have been a time to reflect on a decision to make some changes.  2020 is a New Year and possibly a new beginning.  Here are some thoughts to start the New Year when thinking about change:

1. Endings are also new beginnings

Don’t think of it as an ending but rather a fresh start. Beginning a new year reminds us that the end of one thing leads to the start of another. A relationship may be over but your life is not. Let this be a time when you recognize that you do still have a future ahead of you, despite the pain you’ve been through.  And embrace the power of change….

2. So much change can happen in one year, and it can be good

A good thing to remember is, how much things can change in such a short span of time.

If your relationship ended suddenly you might be wondering  “How did my life change so badly in a year?”.  The reverse can be equally true.  Although it is often difficult to see how we will ever be happy, this time next New Year’s Eve, you may be in a completely different place, both emotionally and situationally.  I have seen so many of my clients after one year out of an unhealthy relationship, look and feel so healthy and changed in so many respects for the better.

3. Let go of the old

Releasing old habits, emotions and destructive behaviors can be a goal for the New Year. This may be a great time to reflect on what’s not working in your life and make  a decision to start the year differently.  What may be holding you back?  Is it grief, anger, disappointment or sadness around the end of your relationship? Reflecting on it will help you move on.  Maybe you are still letting your partner or ex-partner have too much interest or control in your life.  This may make it hard for you to move forward. What will you do to help you feel differently?

4. Celebrate your achievements

However recently or distantly your relationship ended, or you may wish to end, you will have something to celebrate. It’s important to be kind to yourself and acknowledge you’ve been through a tough time. If your biggest achievement is simply waking up each day, then embrace that.  Whether you are taking baby steps or long strides, remember to celebrate that you are still moving forward!

5. Resolutions for the year; what are your goals?

New year is traditionally a time for setting resolutions. Giving yourself realistic goals which can be a wonderful way to increase levels of positivity and happiness after a difficult year. The key is to make the goals challenging enough that they will inspire you, but realistic enough that you don’t set yourself up to fail and feel worse than when you began.

But don’t forget to be kind to yourself; look to do things that make you feel yourself again. Possibly set goals that you would not have believed possible during your relationship. Think of anything you might have held back on for fear of upsetting or being criticized by your spouse or partner. 

We can, of course, make the decision to change our lives on whatever day or time we choose. But when the new year is so perfectly apt for starting afresh, why not use the opportunity to make those changes right now?

Wishing you a very Happy New Year and a shining future life!

Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer, Director of Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd. 1-800-WE MEDIATE

www.Divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com

Making the Most of This Holiday Season during a Separation or Divorce by Robyn D. Weisman, Esq.

The stress of the holiday season can be overwhelming for divorcing families.   With the major transitions facing your family, the holiday season approaches which generally is about families getting together.  How can you deal with this?   Is it possible to have a “normal” holiday for the kids?  How do we share the holidays, with the kids, future ex-spouses, and new and extended families?

Be open and flexible, willing to share and figure out new and exciting ways to celebrate, even if it is different from what you’ve done in the past.  Try to smile and be happy even if you feel stress and fear underneath.  If you feel angry, wait before making any rash decisions.  Try to reach out of yourself and use common sense.  Think to yourself, is the anger, or argument really worth the stress on you or your kids.  Sometimes the best battles won are through patience and understanding.

Some tips to cope during this holiday season:

1.     It’s all about the kids. This may be your first holiday apart from your ex or future ex and for the children’s sake you are trying so hard to maintain as many traditions as possible.  Following the same routine would be the best possible scenario.  Eventually sharing holidays will come easier as long as all of you are getting along.  But in the beginning, certainly try to keep the traditions, and then new traditions can and will develop.  In the beginning, try to keep change to a minimum.  Ease the transition and then start anew.

2.    Put on a happy face.  This may have been a very tough year for you and smiles are not coming easy.  The holidays feel like a chore and you don’t feel like celebrating.  Smiles go a long way.  They are contagious!  Smile, do it for yourself and your children.  Decorate, shop, cook, party, and smile.   You may see that actively participating in the celebrations may even lift your spirits, and your kids will be happy all the more when they see you happy. 

3.    Think out of the box:  There may be those traditions where you and the whole family went to a family’s house for Christmas Eve or the first night of Hannukah.  Now you may not be invited if it was your in-laws.  Well, let your kids go and find a special time or way for you to celebrate that same holiday you may be missing.  Now you may be creating a new tradition!

4.    Remember your parents forever: Not only are you and your spouse parents forever, but ex-in-laws or soon to be ex-in-laws are your children’s family forever too.  Start early and show the children you appreciate all family members by including them when you do holiday cards and shopping.  These gestures now will go a long way in the future when special occasions arise in the future.  Graduations, weddings, birthdays all involve the entire family.  Your children will appreciate the fact that you have worked to keep those times stress free and loving for all. 

5.    How can I pay for those holiday gifts. Now may be a financially difficult time as well as emotional.  Remember your kids will be getting twice as much now, so you don’t have to overdo it!   Maybe talk to your ex or soon to be ex and talk about what each of you will be getting the kids.  Share and divide the wish list. 

6.    What is this Holiday schedule anyway?  I can’t tell you how many couples come to me and say we have to alternate the holidays, right.  This is what they hear from other families, many of whom have gone through the Court battle to end their marriage.  Remember as the marriage was yours, the divorce is yours too.  What works for some families may not work for yours.  Be creative.  Think of traditions.  Can you keep the traditions and add new ones?  If your family spends Christmas Eve together each year, while your spouse’s family spends Christmas Day together each year, why not keep it that way.  Do your kids usually go to the in-laws summer home for Labor Day weekend, can they still do that?  Sure. Why don’t you make Memorial Day weekend your weekend to go to Montauk?  If your family has a huge Thanksgiving Dinner and your ex spouse’s family is not around for Thanksgiving so make Thanksgiving Day yours and the weekend after your spouses’.  What works for your family is the answer to the puzzle! Think about how your families celebrate each holiday and where your kids would likely prefer to be and use that to start your holiday schedule. Build and keep those childhood memories for the kids.

It’s all about tradition, memories and building a happy future!

Happy Holidays from Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York; 631-465-2140

 www.divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com

WHAT IS A LEGAL SEPARATION?

                            

If you and your spouse decide to live separate and apart, but you do not want to divorce, you can go for a legal separation. 

To do this you enter into a Separation Agreement.  This does not involve Court intervention when done through mediation.  A legal separation can give you and your spouse the time apart you need while you try to repair a marriage that may be in jeopardy of ending.

A separation agreement gives you the chance to work out problems, slowly and over time, without the pressure of a divorce action. There may be other financial reasons to go for the separation instead of a divorce right away.  These concerns can be health insurance related, tax interests and/or retirement benefits.

As part of the separation agreement, you and your spouse decide on a number of important issues, such as child support and spousal support (called maintenance), as well as a parenting plan. A written separation agreement, as with a divorce agreement, will set out the rights and obligations of you and your spouse both during and after the separation. It becomes a binding agreement enforceable in Court if necessary. 

Although New York law now provides for a no-fault divorce, if you or your spouse can establish that you have lived separate and apart under a written separation agreement for at least one year, then you may obtain a judgment of divorce on that basis alone. The separation agreement will be submitted as part of a divorce decree, if you or your spouse decides to seek a divorce.

If you and your spouse begin living separate and apart under a separation agreement, you are free to get back together at any time. A separation agreement generally becomes invalid and void when you begin living together again with an intent to reconcile.

A mediator can work out the terms with you for a legal separation but remember only an attorney can draft the legal document.

Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer, Director of Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd. 1-800-WE MEDIATE, 631-465-2140 or visit us at www.divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com

With office in Long Beach, Nassau County and Melville, Suffolk County New York

What to Expect In Mediation

WHAT TO EXPECT IN MEDIATION

We’ve all seen friends or family members endure long drawn out divorce battles with aggressive lawyers who seemed to escalate the conflict more than resolve it.

What you may not know is that there is a kinder, gentler way to divorce or separate.  Divorce mediation involves the help of a neutral third party. This method requires the couple to work together to divide their assets and establish child custody arrangements, and at the same time preserve a decent relationship throughout the process.

In your first session, it’s ok and actually very normal to feel anxious. Fear, sadness may be creeping up on you during the first session as well. But the mediator is there to put you both at ease.  The basics are covered and in my practice, the children, if there are any, are discussed first and will usually bring us all to a common ground. With years of experience in the Courts, working as a mediator in Family Court, and with a psychology background, we are able to work through the issues and find the options which best serve your family.

The goal is to fairly and equally divide our assets and to advocate for your children’s best interests in as few sessions as possible.

What you will need to bring or at least review:

·       Pay stubs, plus statements for savings, checking, and retirement accounts

·       Mortgage balances, credit card statements, and child care expenses.

·       As my clients will attest my line is “everything you own and owe”

Beyond dividing up assets and making arrangements for children, mediation comes with heavy emotions.

The more information you share with each other, the less emotional the process will feel. It can be hard to fully trust a spouse you’re divorcing, since you wouldn’t be ending the marriage if you were on the best terms. But if you trust your mediator and the process, that will go a long way toward keeping your emotions out of it.

It’s key that you go into mediation fully prepared to compromise — beyond what you may have expected.

Remember, no one wins but the key is to be peaceful and come to a solution that works for all.  It the mediator’s goal to help you stay focused on the goal of separating peacefully.

The mutual goal: to finalize the divorce without spending a fortune on legal fees or becoming enemies. It will work! Find a mediator who you are comfortable with and who knows the law.  And you will find the kindler, gentler way to separate or divorce.

Robyn D. Weisman, Esq., Attorney, Mediator, Collaborative Lawyer, Director of Divorce Mediation & Family Services of New York, Ltd. 1-800-WE MEDIATE with offices in Melville and Long Beach, New York  

Visit us at 

www.divorcemediationandfamilyservices.com